Scriplets from my Left Brain

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Decision ......


I was walking along the shore ...Pradeep was playing with some children on the beach - Happy lad .The nature choose me and not him . I went on to my boat ,which was anchored at a distance ....

The sea was very calm .Nobody ventured into the sea today ,except me .Iam not a fisherman nor a sailor ,just an young lad who knows how to sail a boat .Calmness,something i missed my whole life -Everybody in the world wants calmness ,they go to distant seas,mountains ,lakes and yet they find no peace - How will they find it if peace can be found only in the depths of mind ?

How did i turn so philosphical ? Life made me so .I was an ordinary chennai guy enjoying the youthfulness of my life ,seeing movies ,chatting ,freaking out .Philosphy was never a part of my life ,untilk that happened .It was never my mistake ,i paid for somebody's mistake .

WHat am i doing in this sea ? Relaxing ? ENjoying the nature ? FIshing ? Travelling with some one ? NO NO NO NO .Sucide .Yes ,my friends ,i have decided to commit sucide .I don't want ur advises now - Just pray for me that in my next life iam born as an animal without knowing the meaning of love ,life ,intelligence and beauty . My decision of sucide - Peopel would say iam unable to lead a good life and that iam not ready to fight in life .I have heard many more of this kind in my life ,not to me but others who are ......

Do you know how it feels like to commit sucide ? Do you know the fear of death ? Images of my parents crying over my dead body ,my lover Priya crying ,relatives moaning over ,friends dejected and wondering why i commited sucide .The reason why i want to commit sucide is death .Yes ,i want to pre pone death .

Yes ,my friends ..I have got AIDS ....Everybody knows that he/she is going to die one day - but not next month ,next year ,not even after 10 years .The feeling of death never comes !It came to me ,when they said i have AIDS and i have few years to count on . I tried so many things to be cheerful ,visite dorphanages ,donated money ,worked for social organisations .....but ....

Death is one thing - but to know that your son died of aids is another thing ...Priya -Iam sorry ,i can't marry you .I know very well that you will marry me even if you come to know i have AIDS - but i don't want to destroy your life .Your life is precious to me ,to others - You will definetely be a good wife to somebody ......

I saw many children play merrily on the shore - It was Marina beach ,a bright December Sunday morning - One of those days when i would normally walk with my priya on the shore talking about various things .Even last sunday we talked about few things ,marriage ,love and death .

Until 3 days before ,i was also happy .I went for a regular check up in ONO hospitals and the report they gave me was not regular .The doctor called me privately and started consoling me and explained how life is beautiful and you can live agood life even in bad situations .I did'nt understand it ,until they gave me the report which showed that i had AIDS - i could not read the remainder of the report - My brain went dead.

So my friends ,iam going to die .I never had any illegal relationship with any woman and yet i got AIDS - In Life anything can happen in a split second .Of all the people who are in the shore ,children ,old people ,couples ,its only me who is going to die . God is merciless ,really .

I saw the vast sea surrounding me and i was ready to jump -but all of a sudden the sea in front of me rose 20 feet taller and kept rising .It rose like a giant that in front of me and moved away from me and towards the shore .I shouted in vain to save all those innocent children playing in the shore ..God ,please save them ,life is wonderful ,they have to be saved ,they have to live ,please god help them ..Life is precious ,there is so much in life to live ,god please help them .God was deaf to my prayers ...I shouted at the skies ,....' What are u doing sitting on the top ,save them ..don't you see them ? don't you realize the importance of their lives ?think about the parents of these children ? Please save them ..' God was deaf again ..........I kept on shouting and with my shout the giant wave was approaching the shore like a big godzilla ready to swallow the people in the shore ....NO NO - Iam not going to die ,iam going save as much as people as possible ...NO NO ,iam not doing to die ....LIFE is precious ....

Around 10 kms away from the sea ,in ONO hospitals a nurse came running to the doctor ....

"Doctor ,entha report yarodathu ' ....

" etha mma ...Mr .Saravanan oda thu ' ....partha theriala ya ...

" Illa doctor sir ,his blood group is o+ ve ,but intha report la B+ ve nu irrukae ....and he was diagnosed as HIV ' ........

" What ????" ..the doctor checked the reports .......'O shit ...peria mistake ..AIDS saravanan ku illa ,pradeep ku !!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

My reality ....

I was prepared for the occasion .Dressed in a suit ,i walked with that magical wand in my hand . A big auditorium and thousands of people waiting for me to wave my hand .I stood on the center of the stage and to my left were some people starring at the paper before them - To my right were few who were meditating ,well almost .Some of them nervous as this was their first time on the stage .

I bowed by head ,saw the paper before me . The music just rushed in me and before the musicians started playing ,the score was already being played in my mind . Whenever i see this manuscript with musical notes ,a feeling of ecstasy comes in - something beyond this body and extends to the soul - a state of perfect unity with onself and nature .

I waved my hand and the music flows just like a river .My first ever symphony composed ,conducted by me - I felt like how bethoveen would have felt when he composed and conducted his own 9 th symphony , a sense of joy which is above all these sense pleasures .

Whats happening ? There is water all over my face ! WHo did that ? Oof ...I see a faint rememberance of a woman throwing a bucket of water on my face ! Who is she ? She resembles my sister ...Oooh !! What is she doing in this concert ? WHat is going to happen to my symphony ????

"Anna ..get up ......sleep la enna kuthura ottara ??" ...My sister woke me up from my sleep . Well - how can i explain to her that i was actually conducting my dream symphony ? Reality did bit me .I got up from my bed - well not a bed but akind of bed u can see in middle class families .My brain made me a guy with Multiple personality disorder ,with reality and my dream fusing this morning . Every minute i spent today ,it reminded me of my dream concert .Brushing of my teeth reminded me waving my hand at the string players , bathing ,washing my body reminded me of the quick movements in the symphony and me doing the morning pooja reminded me of the schubert's symphony.


But reality - it seems so different .I could see my father resting on his easy-chair - he was always peculiar -wondered why he never became a photographer in movies .I dreamt many times of my father doing the photography for a film and me doing the background score - the background score should come spontaneously on seeing the visuals - My brain ready for it - but opportunities ,money ?

You may imagine my house filled with music manuscripts ,notes ,keyboards ,synthesisers and everything - No ..i just have one little keyboard which a 12 year old threw it and i picked it up and repaired . My father was always supportive of my musical career ,he had his own hidden desire and he wanted its manifestation thru me - His hidden desire of excelling in arts ,music .

Thankfully ,working in a private firm has helped me save quite a good amount to buy a keyboard . Today is the day for me . A day to buy the keyboard .I felt a full flow of adrenaline in my whole body ..Just athinking ...Probably this is how Illayraaja would have felt when he played with his first harmonium ?

"pathu ayiram rupa iruntha evalvu pannalam ...poium poium entha dappa va poi vangraye " ..amma started her groans .However my sister supported me and it seemed nothing in the world could stop me from buying the keyboard - Nothing not even my own plan for my sister's marriage ,my mariage ,my future - Nothing came to my mind ..Only keyboard ,notes ,counter points ,harmony ,raaga - I felt its a god gift to appreciate arts and it is god himself who is manifesting through me ...

Just then the song ' Thendral vanthu theendum pothu ' song played - Yes , Raaja sir - I will also create melodies like u have created -Something that comes and it is not called for ! How can i express my feeling ..How will it look like to play it in that 6 -octave keyboard ..I started imagining me working continously in music ,in some studios ,with me immersed in music and music .I could never imagine making money through music .Music is music - Whether people appreciate it or not ,the joy of creating music is more than appreciation .

My addidas T-Shirt and Jeans smiled at me and soon it became a part of me . I stepped out and stumbled upon the wall - My sister told me to sit down and drink some - Typical bramin girl she is .So many tunes i have sung on just seeing her face - I do feel guilty for not saving money for her marriage ,but my passion for music has gone deep inside that none of them mattered - or it mattered ,but i could not do anything .

I was walking towards the bus -stop -Just then a boy was walking with his guitar - The very sight of a musical instrument excited me . My imagination went to studios ,me working with great keybaord players ,guitarists and great conductors appreciating my music - 'Enna paa ...road la saga poriyaa ' - Just then an auto driver brought me back to reality ..

I took my 23 C - yes it is my 23 C .My Bus - The bus i board to attend all concerts ,concerts where entry tickets were more than my salary and yet i managed to get an entry ...of course no body could see me inside the auditorium ..How will they ,if i was inside a bathroom (near the stage -back door ) all along the concert ? Not even the smell of shit could turn my intrests off .

"Ticket ,ticket ,ticket ' ..the conductor was shouting ,asking ,yelling - whatever u call ....There is a rythmn in that and my my brain went to 3/4 ,6/8 beat cycles and violins started rushing in - ' Ennapa ,ticket illaya ? ' - the checking inspector asked me ...I did'nt know what to respond ..Did i buy the ticket ? I don't remember .I had a ticket on my shirt pocket ,don't know if it is the right one .Just handed over the ticket to him .The checking inspector glanced at me ,smiled and gave it to me . However ,later realized that the smile wa snot for me but for a goo dlooking girl on my back seat - Good looking girl - it reminds me of my mother sitting on the top of my head and asking me to marry - How can i marry now ? Tommorrow i can come to street with no penny in my pocket- should that girl also suffer for me ? No i refused and stated some false reasons for that . My mother always skeptical of me ,my career - like a typical middle class brahmin lady ,always wanting her son to be a doctor ,engineer working like a robot for 10 hours !

'Aiyoo ..mava raasa ..poitiyaa ' ...- some crap noise a,i just poked my head out fo the window ..Some death procession ...The guy was an old man of 65 years - i hardly saw his face ,the body was full of garlands ,covered with white cloth - Some death ,sad - i saw people crying ,howling ,some peopele dancing to the beats - Beats ,beats ,rythm ,folk ,folk tunes in thiyaraja keertana my thoughts went on..It would have continued but for my attention getting diverted abt something . There were some sweets placed on the body's mouth - First i thought it should be 'vakkarisi ' ,but then it was mysore pakku . I smiled a bit ,but then controlled my laughter .

Out of my curisoity ,i got down and wanted to find why they had stuffed those sweets in dead man's mouth . I got down ,escaped from auto's random movements and reached near the dead body . People were dancing ,crying and some even discussed politics - all kinds of emotions were there . I enquired a guy of why they has stuffed those sweets . That guy replied that his person liked mysore paaku very much but cld not eat much as he was diabetic and cholosterol patient .His son and his wife had stuffed those sweets so that his aavi ( ghost) will come and eat .

I felt a bit strange on hearing this - I mean ,why can't they can just allow him to eat what he wants ? Why did they wait after the death ? Simple thing ,but no common sense for people . I kept on walking .I turned back to see the body again and my brain was hit by strong thoughts -uncontrollable ,thoughts with visuals - Nothing came into my mind except the visuals ,not even my dear music .....

A mix of past and future haunted my brain ..I saw a dead body having the face of my father and me crying over him ..My thoughts flashed ..My father wanting to buy good quality camera ,sacrificing it for the family ;My father standing on the top of mountain and acting as though he is a photo grapher ; My father getting up early at 5 to see the sun rise ; my father begging my uncle to allow him to photograph for the tour ; My father deciding to buy moped for me than to but his dream sony digital camera ; My father crying in his dead bed for us and rependting on his past -life ,his unfullfilled desires ......;

I remembered my father's words when i asked of why he did not buy a good camera till now . He replied ' for you and ur sister ' - I was impressed with that reply ,but asked him about his inner desires to become photographer ,to travel great locations ,to win awards ,to be union with art and everything - He gave me a reply " Art is art whether it comes out of ur brain to public or not .Even if i don't have the camera ,i still enjoy the art - My brain creates the images and for me that is sufficent ' - He lied and i could see it in his face , a disappoitment of wasting his life and his deep feeling of not being able to do what he wants in his life ..

But he has said the truth - "art is Art ,whether it come sout in public or not . Art is a matter of inner joy and not just appreciation ' - Yes ..but .....
Still i went to that electronics shop ..So many keyboards ..Casio ,yamaha ...Photographs of MSV ,Illayraaja ,Rehman ,Naushad ,Beethoveen ...A Jazz classical from glenn Miller was playing , a guy of my age was checking the keyboard by playing the Moonlight Sonata ...Another tested the guy and sang all 80s SPB songs ...Another was playing 'illaya nila ' in guitar and all that ...I had sufficent money for all of them and i had my dcision - Nobody can change that - Not even the god ,though it is who gave me the thought . I asked ...

' Anne ...latest digital SOny -TK 123 model kaatunga ! "

Yes - i can't see myself putting a camera on my father's dead body - My passion will remain a passion - my brain is my studio and my heart is the listener :

Saturday, April 30, 2005

Me ,Myself and .....

Iam Ramki ,walking to that dreadful place ..I hate this place like anything ..Earning 25,000Rs per month and still i have to do these cheap acts .....How good it was ,when i was in chennai ,studying in Anna University and just strolling along the streets of chennai ..Now its all over ....

I made few steps to that place ....Me with a small bag with few files ,CDs ,my USB ...I saw the people around me ..Everything faded out and i concentrated on the people near me ....Indecent idiots ,no sense of manners ....Anyhow ,there is no use in cursing them ..I need to fight with them ,after all iam also a human being ..Every dog has its day .....Be it a dog from chennai or a dog from banglore ...

OK -Ramki ..relax ,you can definetely beat these guys ..Are you not educated ?Are you not better dressed ?Do you not have a girl friend ? What can be worse than to fight with one's girl friend ? I had a look at my opponents ...a guy with ugly shirt and mouth full of pan parag ...another young lad ,old guy and a couple ....."nalla vela ,old man um ,couple um irukanga ..athu pothum ......"

A sudden rush ....some 10 more people joined ...oooff..bull shit man ..More competetitors ....Just then ,one small guy could not control his nature's call and made the place the dirty ..." kiya hai yei ...ganda kartha hai" ( what the hellis this !-This lad is making the place dirty ") commented our friend with his mouth full of 'paan' and just about to spit a good one pound of it outside ...

Should i actually take ...No No postponment ..It is the question of strength ,discipline and more importantly saying Hello to my darling who is waiting for me .....

The thing has come ..EVerybody's eye on that ...Everybody brimming with confidence that he \she can do it ..Like a group of dogs waiting for the bread ...JOhn william's score in Star Wars
'Duel Of The Fates ') came across my mind and that gave immense confidence to me ..Iam ready ,ready for


Here am I ,standing on the Dadar station ,Mumbai one of the busisest station at waiting to catch a electric train at 8 AM to go to office .:)


Friday, April 29, 2005

karrupu ...

'enna oru majja ..entha parka la ulla bench la udkarnthu relax pannina ,sorgam nu solluvangale athu puriuthu " ..Ameer was feeling the calmness ,the relaxation -When he sits on the bench ,nothing can distract his concentration ,nothing can ..Penvasanai ,Manvasanai -ondrum seiyaathu .....

"Have you ever felt being bit lonely or a bit afraid ?" his friend prasad asked .."Dei yepadi da innum bramacharya va irruka .....unnaku oru ponnu kuda vazhanum nu aasaya illaya ....it is different to have a woman by your side da Ammer ..iam not refeering to satisfying our inherent sexual desires ,but the feeling of completeness ,feeling of secure,satisfaction comes when you live with a woman ...."...

Ameer seldom gave replies for these questions-he can clearly feel the motive of these questions -Majority of them came not out of a genuine concern ,but just for name sake ...or jealous that 'How come this Ameer is able to live without a woman while i have to remain as a hen pecked husband ?'...Ammer knew all this ...But -deep within he too had desires of marrying a woman ,having kids ,kids taking care of him ..all dreams ...But are they possible ?Who will marry me ?Even if some one wishes ,iam not ready to spoil her life .....

He started Reading the book ..Infact he feels every book he reads ...Books are not just words ,not just dome groups of words ,not just group of dots ..They are the manifestations of a mind ...Mind itself ....Today Ameer was reading Swami Vivekananda ...

'Enna perisu ,book yellam sokka padikirra ' ,kabali came ,half drunk ...'enda kabali ,unne kudikatha nu yevalavu thadava sonnalum ketka mateengira ..it will destroy ur liver ,illaya ?' ....'Ada po perisu ,naan kuda thaan solren ,nee book ka padikatha ,un mulaya keduthudum nu ,nee kekiriyaa ..athu mathiri thaan ethuvum ' ....Kabali was just a cycle shop owner ,but he lives a life of a car manufacturer,atleast in his mind ..No worries ,no shorcuts ,no Hishonesty ,no cheatings - Simple ,clean life ..

'Yepadi entha age la nee entha book vechu padikirra ..ennaku un book a partha oru mannum puriala ..apadiye nee vasichu katinalum ,yen mandaiku oru mannum puriala ' ,kabali sighed ...Kabali had saved Ameer on multiple occasions ,mostly when crossing the road ...Public transport does not show respect for people of his age ...
'Dei ,Kabali ..Nee entha book padikanum theva illa .....Already ,ur life is good da .A family's prosperity shows in the face of the children ...Yesterday ur son danapal came .....Do you how intelligent he is ?How honest ! He was very sad that i did not see his paintaings !!

'Perisu ,anga paaru ...rendu ponunga unniye parkuthu ..!!' ...athrista katta nee perisu .....Kabali giggled .....'Yennaku antha luck yellam illa ....unnaku nalla vazhvu ' ....

'Dei kabali ,avanga -yenna sympathy oda parkirangala ?' ..
'Ammam perisu ..ennamo ethu varaikum parkatha mathir parkeeranga ..apadi enna thana unitta irruko ?!
'
'nenachen ....Ammer thought to himself ..Am i an object of sympathy here ?What do i lack in my life ?Money ? Good Mind ?Good Body ?Friends ?Reasonabel Social Life ?...Why are they seeing as though i have lost my life ! - It is they who are losing their lives ......by comparing themselves with others ,by being jealous ,being unsatisfied in everything ,by continously increasing their desires ,by falling to false words .....hmm ..'yarruku venum entha mathiri vaazhkai ' ..........Can they feel as i feel ?DO they feel for others ?DO they give gifts from heart ? ..hmm ....evnagla veeda nan evalvu vo mel !!!

'enna perisu ,enga pora '..kabali asked ..

'veetuku thaan ..Saying this Ameer picked up his Holding stick ,his cooling glasses and most importantly his Braille book on Swami Vivekananda and walked towards the exit ....

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Amma ...

"Dei ...kanna samathha sapidara chellam ...enda epadi paduthera ......unga amma va partha unnaku pavama illaya ...." ...Sarada was pleading the child to finish its break fast ....A child eating is a treat to watch ..It does not eat the food properly ,spills a little ,vomits a little ,screams a little and finallly eats a little ....still it gives the satisfaction of seeing something wonderful ,something artistic ,something pure ..

Mother feeding the child is another class act ..She has amazing pateince to do this ..After all ,is the child not herself ? ?Her blood,her skin .her soul .It is a great pleasure to bear something inside your body,see it grow inside you ,speak with it without seeing it .A father can try to show utmost care but nothing can beat a mother's love - a love of purity ,posession ,love of union !


"Enna maami ..ennoda payan paduthurana ..." ..Shree came walking towards Sarada ..."Sarada maami -only you have so much patience to feed my little devil ...By the time i feed him half of my energy is gone ..I prayed for an angel and god has given me a devil ...Sarada giggled ...

Sarada 's thoughts went backward ..20 years ago ..in a small house in mangudi ,she remembers feeding little suresh..How everybody in the house liked him very much ...She also remembered her father's attachment towards suresh.."thatha ...irungo ..inniki nekku enna vangitu vanthel ' ,suresh's infant voice still ringing in her ears ...

"Maami ..unga aathu cooker ungale kupidaran " ....Sarada hurried to the kitchen carrying her 52 year old body ....Every object in this house reminds me of Suresh...The house used to be very lively ...its not the TV serials ,not the FM radio channels ,not the loud cinema songs ,but the very presence of Suresh made Sarada 's day blossom ...She did not recognize this until 4 years before ,when this house was deprived of Suresh..

But now its no more ...For the past 4 years ,my life is just vaccum ...'Ennaku 40 lakhs mela sothu irruku ...nooru paun nagai irruku " - she used to pride herself before her friends ..Inside its still vaccum ..A feeling of everything there ,but nothing for myself !


"enna maami ..yen payan unkala veetu poga maatingeraan "..Shree came with her child ....Not many people know that every woman at any stage always likes to feel that motherhood ..near to that ...whenever she sees a child ,she feels that -it makes her feel the motherhood - the state of purity ,union ...."hmm..ennaku yentha kuzandium parthalum Suresh nyabagam thaan varuthu " - she used to tell shree often .....Suresh may not be here ,but his memories ,the objects he used -how can that fade?

The phone bell rings ....it seems to be Long DIstance call ..the same call ,same day ..for the past 4 years .........she picked up the phone ......
"enna ma ..epadi irukel ..Nalla irukkale " ..the voice of Suresh ....every phone call has the same topic of discussion ..Suresh's return from US ,Suresh's wife ,climate in USA ,health of Sarada .......Still Sarada never gets fed up -..'Seri ma ..bye..Take care " ..Suresh hung up ..


Suresh wrote this in his diary ....

"Amma ...You might not know the kind of frustration i have here ...Atleast thrice a week i think about my younger days ,the nights when you used to feed me ,your mor kuzhambu ,the sacrifices u and appa have made for the family - Sometimes i feel like slapping myself of why i came here ,an unknown land ,where everything is very nice ,everything is available but nothing reaches my soul ....A day ago ,i was cursing my peer who who got a promotion ahead of me ..I remembered appa ,who denied promotion to avoid transfers (which would eventually spoil my education ) and consoled myself -How would have he felt when guys 7 years junior to him were his managers ...How he used to travel 10 Kms in Bus to buy vegetables from Town Market as it was cheaper ..I still remember the sight of a 40 year old man carrying 5-6 Kgs of vegetables towards our house ...Truly iam moulding my life based on the way i was brought up ....-Sacrifice ,Sacrifice ....Iam living like a deer which was caught by a Python ..neither teh Deer can escape nor the Python can swallow it ...I pray to God that to give strength to change things that can be changed ,to give me strength and peace of mind to return to our country ,take care of you .....I don't want to see an old couple dying with no peace of mind .>Death is inevitable -But the way in which a person dies can be changed - I will change that!



Wednesday, April 27, 2005

The moment of my Life ....

The moment came ..the moment i was waiting for .......The moment every girl of my type waits .....Why even every man waits for this !!!

I was there with a garland in my hand .....Everybody smiling in today's function ..me alone in a sober mood ......What on the earth am i doing ???

My memories turned back ....My dear Anbu mani ....The days spent with him ...A girl never becomes complete without man's affection ..Whenever he touched me i felt so pure ,so spiritual .....

..His voice was always sweet ..Even when he shouts at me ,i feel like kissing him ...She also remembered how her parents refused to accept Anbu Mani as their son-in-law as he was a rebellion ..What's wrong in being a rebellion ?everybody fights in life ....Some control their anger ...A woman who is controlled and forced to stay at home than work rebels herself unable to rebel outside ....Evene an ant does rebel ,when you try to kill him ....

"yenna ma ...engaye nikkira ..poo ma .medaiku poo ma " - the guy in white dhoti told me ....The very sight of the medai ( Podium kind of ) sent chill to my spine ..Is this how my life going to be ?

Yes - I have decided ...Iam going to die .Sucide ..YES ...She thought of Anbu Mani of how he will feel of her death ,she thought of her parents ....A tree without leaves ....How will death look like ?Will it be painful or instanesous ?What will happen after death ?Will i feel that iam the soul and not the body as claimed by the religion ?


How will people of my area speak of ?Will they keep a statue of mine as they did for kannagi ?Will they feel that they iam dying for a cause ..?Will the future of my peopel be good due to this ?Will the people standing on the podium releasize in the future atleast ?

Yes - The people standing on the podium too deserved to die ..After all ,they destoryed our people ..How many young men died ,girls raped ,parents turning orphans and my own brother ......YES ...A man dressed in white and white with a Tri COlor anga vasthiram came down the podium ..YES ..Iam going to put the garland on his head and blow him up .....

I prayed to god that in the next birth i should be born to a wealthy family in some other country to and marry Anbu Mani .....

Iam Kalaivani and this is my last recorded incident in my biography .
The day was May 21,1991 ,Location - Sriperumbudur


PS : Any resemblance to living or Dead is purely coincendental .This is purely fictious .By this the author does not mean to support any group or so.