Decision ......

I was walking along the shore ...Pradeep was playing with some children on the beach - Happy lad .The nature choose me and not him . I went on to my boat ,which was anchored at a distance ....

The sea was very calm .Nobody ventured into the sea today ,except me .Iam not a fisherman nor a sailor ,just an young lad who knows how to sail a boat .Calmness,something i missed my whole life -Everybody in the world wants calmness ,they go to distant seas,mountains ,lakes and yet they find no peace - How will they find it if peace can be found only in the depths of mind ?

How did i turn so philosphical ? Life made me so .I was an ordinary chennai guy enjoying the youthfulness of my life ,seeing movies ,chatting ,freaking out .Philosphy was never a part of my life ,untilk that happened .It was never my mistake ,i paid for somebody's mistake .

WHat am i doing in this sea ? Relaxing ? ENjoying the nature ? FIshing ? Travelling with some one ? NO NO NO NO .Sucide .Yes ,my friends ,i have decided to commit sucide .I don't want ur advises now - Just pray for me that in my next life iam born as an animal without knowing the meaning of love ,life ,intelligence and beauty . My decision of sucide - Peopel would say iam unable to lead a good life and that iam not ready to fight in life .I have heard many more of this kind in my life ,not to me but others who are ......

Do you know how it feels like to commit sucide ? Do you know the fear of death ? Images of my parents crying over my dead body ,my lover Priya crying ,relatives moaning over ,friends dejected and wondering why i commited sucide .The reason why i want to commit sucide is death .Yes ,i want to pre pone death .

Yes ,my friends ..I have got AIDS ....Everybody knows that he/she is going to die one day - but not next month ,next year ,not even after 10 years .The feeling of death never comes !It came to me ,when they said i have AIDS and i have few years to count on . I tried so many things to be cheerful ,visite dorphanages ,donated money ,worked for social organisations .....but ....

Death is one thing - but to know that your son died of aids is another thing ...Priya -Iam sorry ,i can't marry you .I know very well that you will marry me even if you come to know i have AIDS - but i don't want to destroy your life .Your life is precious to me ,to others - You will definetely be a good wife to somebody ......

I saw many children play merrily on the shore - It was Marina beach ,a bright December Sunday morning - One of those days when i would normally walk with my priya on the shore talking about various things .Even last sunday we talked about few things ,marriage ,love and death .

Until 3 days before ,i was also happy .I went for a regular check up in ONO hospitals and the report they gave me was not regular .The doctor called me privately and started consoling me and explained how life is beautiful and you can live agood life even in bad situations .I did'nt understand it ,until they gave me the report which showed that i had AIDS - i could not read the remainder of the report - My brain went dead.

So my friends ,iam going to die .I never had any illegal relationship with any woman and yet i got AIDS - In Life anything can happen in a split second .Of all the people who are in the shore ,children ,old people ,couples ,its only me who is going to die . God is merciless ,really .

I saw the vast sea surrounding me and i was ready to jump -but all of a sudden the sea in front of me rose 20 feet taller and kept rising .It rose like a giant that in front of me and moved away from me and towards the shore .I shouted in vain to save all those innocent children playing in the shore ..God ,please save them ,life is wonderful ,they have to be saved ,they have to live ,please god help them ..Life is precious ,there is so much in life to live ,god please help them .God was deaf to my prayers ...I shouted at the skies ,....' What are u doing sitting on the top ,save them ..don't you see them ? don't you realize the importance of their lives ?think about the parents of these children ? Please save them ..' God was deaf again ..........I kept on shouting and with my shout the giant wave was approaching the shore like a big godzilla ready to swallow the people in the shore ....NO NO - Iam not going to die ,iam going save as much as people as possible ...NO NO ,iam not doing to die ....LIFE is precious ....

Around 10 kms away from the sea ,in ONO hospitals a nurse came running to the doctor ....

"Doctor ,entha report yarodathu ' ....

" etha mma ...Mr .Saravanan oda thu ' ....partha theriala ya ...

" Illa doctor sir ,his blood group is o+ ve ,but intha report la B+ ve nu irrukae ....and he was diagnosed as HIV ' ........

" What ????" ..the doctor checked the reports .......'O shit ...peria mistake ..AIDS saravanan ku illa ,pradeep ku !!!!!!!!!!!

My reality ....

I was prepared for the occasion .Dressed in a suit ,i walked with that magical wand in my hand . A big auditorium and thousands of people waiting for me to wave my hand .I stood on the center of the stage and to my left were some people starring at the paper before them - To my right were few who were meditating ,well almost .Some of them nervous as this was their first time on the stage .

I bowed by head ,saw the paper before me . The music just rushed in me and before the musicians started playing ,the score was already being played in my mind . Whenever i see this manuscript with musical notes ,a feeling of ecstasy comes in - something beyond this body and extends to the soul - a state of perfect unity with onself and nature .

I waved my hand and the music flows just like a river .My first ever symphony composed ,conducted by me - I felt like how bethoveen would have felt when he composed and conducted his own 9 th symphony , a sense of joy which is above all these sense pleasures .

Whats happening ? There is water all over my face ! WHo did that ? Oof ...I see a faint rememberance of a woman throwing a bucket of water on my face ! Who is she ? She resembles my sister ...Oooh !! What is she doing in this concert ? WHat is going to happen to my symphony ????

"Anna ..get up ......sleep la enna kuthura ottara ??" ...My sister woke me up from my sleep . Well - how can i explain to her that i was actually conducting my dream symphony ? Reality did bit me .I got up from my bed - well not a bed but akind of bed u can see in middle class families .My brain made me a guy with Multiple personality disorder ,with reality and my dream fusing this morning . Every minute i spent today ,it reminded me of my dream concert .Brushing of my teeth reminded me waving my hand at the string players , bathing ,washing my body reminded me of the quick movements in the symphony and me doing the morning pooja reminded me of the schubert's symphony.


But reality - it seems so different .I could see my father resting on his easy-chair - he was always peculiar -wondered why he never became a photographer in movies .I dreamt many times of my father doing the photography for a film and me doing the background score - the background score should come spontaneously on seeing the visuals - My brain ready for it - but opportunities ,money ?

You may imagine my house filled with music manuscripts ,notes ,keyboards ,synthesisers and everything - No ..i just have one little keyboard which a 12 year old threw it and i picked it up and repaired . My father was always supportive of my musical career ,he had his own hidden desire and he wanted its manifestation thru me - His hidden desire of excelling in arts ,music .

Thankfully ,working in a private firm has helped me save quite a good amount to buy a keyboard . Today is the day for me . A day to buy the keyboard .I felt a full flow of adrenaline in my whole body ..Just athinking ...Probably this is how Illayraaja would have felt when he played with his first harmonium ?

"pathu ayiram rupa iruntha evalvu pannalam ...poium poium entha dappa va poi vangraye " ..amma started her groans .However my sister supported me and it seemed nothing in the world could stop me from buying the keyboard - Nothing not even my own plan for my sister's marriage ,my mariage ,my future - Nothing came to my mind ..Only keyboard ,notes ,counter points ,harmony ,raaga - I felt its a god gift to appreciate arts and it is god himself who is manifesting through me ...

Just then the song ' Thendral vanthu theendum pothu ' song played - Yes , Raaja sir - I will also create melodies like u have created -Something that comes and it is not called for ! How can i express my feeling ..How will it look like to play it in that 6 -octave keyboard ..I started imagining me working continously in music ,in some studios ,with me immersed in music and music .I could never imagine making money through music .Music is music - Whether people appreciate it or not ,the joy of creating music is more than appreciation .

My addidas T-Shirt and Jeans smiled at me and soon it became a part of me . I stepped out and stumbled upon the wall - My sister told me to sit down and drink some - Typical bramin girl she is .So many tunes i have sung on just seeing her face - I do feel guilty for not saving money for her marriage ,but my passion for music has gone deep inside that none of them mattered - or it mattered ,but i could not do anything .

I was walking towards the bus -stop -Just then a boy was walking with his guitar - The very sight of a musical instrument excited me . My imagination went to studios ,me working with great keybaord players ,guitarists and great conductors appreciating my music - 'Enna paa ...road la saga poriyaa ' - Just then an auto driver brought me back to reality ..

I took my 23 C - yes it is my 23 C .My Bus - The bus i board to attend all concerts ,concerts where entry tickets were more than my salary and yet i managed to get an entry ...of course no body could see me inside the auditorium ..How will they ,if i was inside a bathroom (near the stage -back door ) all along the concert ? Not even the smell of shit could turn my intrests off .

"Ticket ,ticket ,ticket ' ..the conductor was shouting ,asking ,yelling - whatever u call ....There is a rythmn in that and my my brain went to 3/4 ,6/8 beat cycles and violins started rushing in - ' Ennapa ,ticket illaya ? ' - the checking inspector asked me ...I did'nt know what to respond ..Did i buy the ticket ? I don't remember .I had a ticket on my shirt pocket ,don't know if it is the right one .Just handed over the ticket to him .The checking inspector glanced at me ,smiled and gave it to me . However ,later realized that the smile wa snot for me but for a goo dlooking girl on my back seat - Good looking girl - it reminds me of my mother sitting on the top of my head and asking me to marry - How can i marry now ? Tommorrow i can come to street with no penny in my pocket- should that girl also suffer for me ? No i refused and stated some false reasons for that . My mother always skeptical of me ,my career - like a typical middle class brahmin lady ,always wanting her son to be a doctor ,engineer working like a robot for 10 hours !

'Aiyoo ..mava raasa ..poitiyaa ' ...- some crap noise a,i just poked my head out fo the window ..Some death procession ...The guy was an old man of 65 years - i hardly saw his face ,the body was full of garlands ,covered with white cloth - Some death ,sad - i saw people crying ,howling ,some peopele dancing to the beats - Beats ,beats ,rythm ,folk ,folk tunes in thiyaraja keertana my thoughts went on..It would have continued but for my attention getting diverted abt something . There were some sweets placed on the body's mouth - First i thought it should be 'vakkarisi ' ,but then it was mysore pakku . I smiled a bit ,but then controlled my laughter .

Out of my curisoity ,i got down and wanted to find why they had stuffed those sweets in dead man's mouth . I got down ,escaped from auto's random movements and reached near the dead body . People were dancing ,crying and some even discussed politics - all kinds of emotions were there . I enquired a guy of why they has stuffed those sweets . That guy replied that his person liked mysore paaku very much but cld not eat much as he was diabetic and cholosterol patient .His son and his wife had stuffed those sweets so that his aavi ( ghost) will come and eat .

I felt a bit strange on hearing this - I mean ,why can't they can just allow him to eat what he wants ? Why did they wait after the death ? Simple thing ,but no common sense for people . I kept on walking .I turned back to see the body again and my brain was hit by strong thoughts -uncontrollable ,thoughts with visuals - Nothing came into my mind except the visuals ,not even my dear music .....

A mix of past and future haunted my brain ..I saw a dead body having the face of my father and me crying over him ..My thoughts flashed ..My father wanting to buy good quality camera ,sacrificing it for the family ;My father standing on the top of mountain and acting as though he is a photo grapher ; My father getting up early at 5 to see the sun rise ; my father begging my uncle to allow him to photograph for the tour ; My father deciding to buy moped for me than to but his dream sony digital camera ; My father crying in his dead bed for us and rependting on his past -life ,his unfullfilled desires ......;

I remembered my father's words when i asked of why he did not buy a good camera till now . He replied ' for you and ur sister ' - I was impressed with that reply ,but asked him about his inner desires to become photographer ,to travel great locations ,to win awards ,to be union with art and everything - He gave me a reply " Art is art whether it comes out of ur brain to public or not .Even if i don't have the camera ,i still enjoy the art - My brain creates the images and for me that is sufficent ' - He lied and i could see it in his face , a disappoitment of wasting his life and his deep feeling of not being able to do what he wants in his life ..

But he has said the truth - "art is Art ,whether it come sout in public or not . Art is a matter of inner joy and not just appreciation ' - Yes ..but .....
Still i went to that electronics shop ..So many keyboards ..Casio ,yamaha ...Photographs of MSV ,Illayraaja ,Rehman ,Naushad ,Beethoveen ...A Jazz classical from glenn Miller was playing , a guy of my age was checking the keyboard by playing the Moonlight Sonata ...Another tested the guy and sang all 80s SPB songs ...Another was playing 'illaya nila ' in guitar and all that ...I had sufficent money for all of them and i had my dcision - Nobody can change that - Not even the god ,though it is who gave me the thought . I asked ...

' Anne ...latest digital SOny -TK 123 model kaatunga ! "

Yes - i can't see myself putting a camera on my father's dead body - My passion will remain a passion - my brain is my studio and my heart is the listener :