Me ,Myself and .....

Iam Ramki ,walking to that dreadful place ..I hate this place like anything ..Earning 25,000Rs per month and still i have to do these cheap acts .....How good it was ,when i was in chennai ,studying in Anna University and just strolling along the streets of chennai ..Now its all over ....

I made few steps to that place ....Me with a small bag with few files ,CDs ,my USB ...I saw the people around me ..Everything faded out and i concentrated on the people near me ....Indecent idiots ,no sense of manners ....Anyhow ,there is no use in cursing them ..I need to fight with them ,after all iam also a human being ..Every dog has its day .....Be it a dog from chennai or a dog from banglore ...

OK -Ramki ..relax ,you can definetely beat these guys ..Are you not educated ?Are you not better dressed ?Do you not have a girl friend ? What can be worse than to fight with one's girl friend ? I had a look at my opponents ...a guy with ugly shirt and mouth full of pan parag ...another young lad ,old guy and a couple ....."nalla vela ,old man um ,couple um irukanga ..athu pothum ......"

A sudden rush ....some 10 more people joined ...oooff..bull shit man ..More competetitors ....Just then ,one small guy could not control his nature's call and made the place the dirty ..." kiya hai yei ...ganda kartha hai" ( what the hellis this !-This lad is making the place dirty ") commented our friend with his mouth full of 'paan' and just about to spit a good one pound of it outside ...

Should i actually take ...No No postponment ..It is the question of strength ,discipline and more importantly saying Hello to my darling who is waiting for me .....

The thing has come ..EVerybody's eye on that ...Everybody brimming with confidence that he \she can do it ..Like a group of dogs waiting for the bread ...JOhn william's score in Star Wars 'Duel Of The Fates ') came across my mind and that gave immense confidence to me ..Iam ready ,ready for


Here am I ,standing on the Dadar station ,Mumbai one of the busisest station at waiting to catch a electric train at 8 AM to go to office .:)

karrupu ...

'enna oru majja ..entha parka la ulla bench la udkarnthu relax pannina ,sorgam nu solluvangale athu puriuthu " ..Ameer was feeling the calmness ,the relaxation -When he sits on the bench ,nothing can distract his concentration ,nothing can ..Penvasanai ,Manvasanai -ondrum seiyaathu .....

"Have you ever felt being bit lonely or a bit afraid ?" his friend prasad asked .."Dei yepadi da innum bramacharya va irruka .....unnaku oru ponnu kuda vazhanum nu aasaya illaya ....it is different to have a woman by your side da Ammer ..iam not refeering to satisfying our inherent sexual desires ,but the feeling of completeness ,feeling of secure,satisfaction comes when you live with a woman ...."...

Ameer seldom gave replies for these questions-he can clearly feel the motive of these questions -Majority of them came not out of a genuine concern ,but just for name sake ...or jealous that 'How come this Ameer is able to live without a woman while i have to remain as a hen pecked husband ?'...Ammer knew all this ...But -deep within he too had desires of marrying a woman ,having kids ,kids taking care of him ..all dreams ...But are they possible ?Who will marry me ?Even if some one wishes ,iam not ready to spoil her life .....

He started Reading the book ..Infact he feels every book he reads ...Books are not just words ,not just dome groups of words ,not just group of dots ..They are the manifestations of a mind ...Mind itself ....Today Ameer was reading Swami Vivekananda ...

'Enna perisu ,book yellam sokka padikirra ' ,kabali came ,half drunk ...'enda kabali ,unne kudikatha nu yevalavu thadava sonnalum ketka mateengira ..it will destroy ur liver ,illaya ?' ....'Ada po perisu ,naan kuda thaan solren ,nee book ka padikatha ,un mulaya keduthudum nu ,nee kekiriyaa ..athu mathiri thaan ethuvum ' ....Kabali was just a cycle shop owner ,but he lives a life of a car manufacturer,atleast in his mind ..No worries ,no shorcuts ,no Hishonesty ,no cheatings - Simple ,clean life ..

'Yepadi entha age la nee entha book vechu padikirra ..ennaku un book a partha oru mannum puriala ..apadiye nee vasichu katinalum ,yen mandaiku oru mannum puriala ' ,kabali sighed ...Kabali had saved Ameer on multiple occasions ,mostly when crossing the road ...Public transport does not show respect for people of his age ...
'Dei ,Kabali ..Nee entha book padikanum theva illa .....Already ,ur life is good da .A family's prosperity shows in the face of the children ...Yesterday ur son danapal came .....Do you how intelligent he is ?How honest ! He was very sad that i did not see his paintaings !!

'Perisu ,anga paaru ...rendu ponunga unniye parkuthu ..!!' ...athrista katta nee perisu .....Kabali giggled .....'Yennaku antha luck yellam illa ....unnaku nalla vazhvu ' ....

'Dei kabali ,avanga -yenna sympathy oda parkirangala ?' ..
'Ammam perisu ..ennamo ethu varaikum parkatha mathir parkeeranga ..apadi enna thana unitta irruko ?!
'
'nenachen ....Ammer thought to himself ..Am i an object of sympathy here ?What do i lack in my life ?Money ? Good Mind ?Good Body ?Friends ?Reasonabel Social Life ?...Why are they seeing as though i have lost my life ! - It is they who are losing their lives ......by comparing themselves with others ,by being jealous ,being unsatisfied in everything ,by continously increasing their desires ,by falling to false words .....hmm ..'yarruku venum entha mathiri vaazhkai ' ..........Can they feel as i feel ?DO they feel for others ?DO they give gifts from heart ? ..hmm ....evnagla veeda nan evalvu vo mel !!!

'enna perisu ,enga pora '..kabali asked ..

'veetuku thaan ..Saying this Ameer picked up his Holding stick ,his cooling glasses and most importantly his Braille book on Swami Vivekananda and walked towards the exit ....

Amma ...

"Dei ...kanna samathha sapidara chellam ...enda epadi paduthera ......unga amma va partha unnaku pavama illaya ...." ...Sarada was pleading the child to finish its break fast ....A child eating is a treat to watch ..It does not eat the food properly ,spills a little ,vomits a little ,screams a little and finallly eats a little ....still it gives the satisfaction of seeing something wonderful ,something artistic ,something pure ..

Mother feeding the child is another class act ..She has amazing pateince to do this ..After all ,is the child not herself ? ?Her blood,her skin .her soul .It is a great pleasure to bear something inside your body,see it grow inside you ,speak with it without seeing it .A father can try to show utmost care but nothing can beat a mother's love - a love of purity ,posession ,love of union !


"Enna maami ..ennoda payan paduthurana ..." ..Shree came walking towards Sarada ..."Sarada maami -only you have so much patience to feed my little devil ...By the time i feed him half of my energy is gone ..I prayed for an angel and god has given me a devil ...Sarada giggled ...

Sarada 's thoughts went backward ..20 years ago ..in a small house in mangudi ,she remembers feeding little suresh..How everybody in the house liked him very much ...She also remembered her father's attachment towards suresh.."thatha ...irungo ..inniki nekku enna vangitu vanthel ' ,suresh's infant voice still ringing in her ears ...

"Maami ..unga aathu cooker ungale kupidaran " ....Sarada hurried to the kitchen carrying her 52 year old body ....Every object in this house reminds me of Suresh...The house used to be very lively ...its not the TV serials ,not the FM radio channels ,not the loud cinema songs ,but the very presence of Suresh made Sarada 's day blossom ...She did not recognize this until 4 years before ,when this house was deprived of Suresh..

But now its no more ...For the past 4 years ,my life is just vaccum ...'Ennaku 40 lakhs mela sothu irruku ...nooru paun nagai irruku " - she used to pride herself before her friends ..Inside its still vaccum ..A feeling of everything there ,but nothing for myself !


"enna maami ..yen payan unkala veetu poga maatingeraan "..Shree came with her child ....Not many people know that every woman at any stage always likes to feel that motherhood ..near to that ...whenever she sees a child ,she feels that -it makes her feel the motherhood - the state of purity ,union ...."hmm..ennaku yentha kuzandium parthalum Suresh nyabagam thaan varuthu " - she used to tell shree often .....Suresh may not be here ,but his memories ,the objects he used -how can that fade?

The phone bell rings ....it seems to be Long DIstance call ..the same call ,same day ..for the past 4 years .........she picked up the phone ......
"enna ma ..epadi irukel ..Nalla irukkale " ..the voice of Suresh ....every phone call has the same topic of discussion ..Suresh's return from US ,Suresh's wife ,climate in USA ,health of Sarada .......Still Sarada never gets fed up -..'Seri ma ..bye..Take care " ..Suresh hung up ..


Suresh wrote this in his diary ....

"Amma ...You might not know the kind of frustration i have here ...Atleast thrice a week i think about my younger days ,the nights when you used to feed me ,your mor kuzhambu ,the sacrifices u and appa have made for the family - Sometimes i feel like slapping myself of why i came here ,an unknown land ,where everything is very nice ,everything is available but nothing reaches my soul ....A day ago ,i was cursing my peer who who got a promotion ahead of me ..I remembered appa ,who denied promotion to avoid transfers (which would eventually spoil my education ) and consoled myself -How would have he felt when guys 7 years junior to him were his managers ...How he used to travel 10 Kms in Bus to buy vegetables from Town Market as it was cheaper ..I still remember the sight of a 40 year old man carrying 5-6 Kgs of vegetables towards our house ...Truly iam moulding my life based on the way i was brought up ....-Sacrifice ,Sacrifice ....Iam living like a deer which was caught by a Python ..neither teh Deer can escape nor the Python can swallow it ...I pray to God that to give strength to change things that can be changed ,to give me strength and peace of mind to return to our country ,take care of you .....I don't want to see an old couple dying with no peace of mind .>Death is inevitable -But the way in which a person dies can be changed - I will change that!

The moment of my Life ....

The moment came ..the moment i was waiting for .......The moment every girl of my type waits .....Why even every man waits for this !!!

I was there with a garland in my hand .....Everybody smiling in today's function ..me alone in a sober mood ......What on the earth am i doing ???

My memories turned back ....My dear Anbu mani ....The days spent with him ...A girl never becomes complete without man's affection ..Whenever he touched me i felt so pure ,so spiritual .....

..His voice was always sweet ..Even when he shouts at me ,i feel like kissing him ...She also remembered how her parents refused to accept Anbu Mani as their son-in-law as he was a rebellion ..What's wrong in being a rebellion ?everybody fights in life ....Some control their anger ...A woman who is controlled and forced to stay at home than work rebels herself unable to rebel outside ....Evene an ant does rebel ,when you try to kill him ....

"yenna ma ...engaye nikkira ..poo ma .medaiku poo ma " - the guy in white dhoti told me ....The very sight of the medai ( Podium kind of ) sent chill to my spine ..Is this how my life going to be ?

Yes - I have decided ...Iam going to die .Sucide ..YES ...She thought of Anbu Mani of how he will feel of her death ,she thought of her parents ....A tree without leaves ....How will death look like ?Will it be painful or instanesous ?What will happen after death ?Will i feel that iam the soul and not the body as claimed by the religion ?


How will people of my area speak of ?Will they keep a statue of mine as they did for kannagi ?Will they feel that they iam dying for a cause ..?Will the future of my peopel be good due to this ?Will the people standing on the podium releasize in the future atleast ?

Yes - The people standing on the podium too deserved to die ..After all ,they destoryed our people ..How many young men died ,girls raped ,parents turning orphans and my own brother ......YES ...A man dressed in white and white with a Tri COlor anga vasthiram came down the podium ..YES ..Iam going to put the garland on his head and blow him up .....

I prayed to god that in the next birth i should be born to a wealthy family in some other country to and marry Anbu Mani .....

Iam Kalaivani and this is my last recorded incident in my biography .
The day was May 21,1991 ,Location - Sriperumbudur


PS : Any resemblance to living or Dead is purely coincendental .This is purely fictious .By this the author does not mean to support any group or so.